Tuesday, July 6, 2010

absurd

As I consider all the fears and tests of faith I've struggled through up to this point in preparation for the Big Trip, I figure I might as well continue the transparency and tell you about one more. Be warned, it's absurd. I realize this. So as you read, if you choose to continue, know that I know that this is absurd. I'll go ahead and tell you that the absurd part is that I'm nervous about beginning to take my malaria prevention medicine, which I have to start tonight. My doctor referred to it as "powerful stuff." He shouldn't have said that to someone like me. When I asked if it had side effects, he said matter-of-factly, in his South African accent, "Sure! They all do."

Detour with me here, I promise it will relate in a minute...

Chris has FINALLY synced up his I-Pod that he got for Christmas. He had thousands upon thousands of songs he had to rename before putting them on his I-Pod, so you can understand the six months of anticipating the glorious day when we could listen to so much great music (because my husband is cool and has great music taste, I'm just sayin') through the I-Pod speaker thingies his parents got us oh, say, maybe a couple years ago. I love music and am loving the transformation that has taken place in our living room due to this tiny little device (I'm the only person in America who has never owned an I-Pod). I feel like I'm in a movie. It's so great.

So we were relaxing in our cozy, transformed-by-music living room, listening to "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay. When I was in high school, I took a class called "Theory of Knowledge," which was kind of like a very very basic philosophy class. When we studied asthetics, we had an assignment to bring in something we thought was beautiful to share with the class. "Worlds Apart" was my something beautiful because I love the song but also because I think there is great beauty in brokenness that leads to surrender to Christ, which is captured so beautifully in this song (see below... it's kind of long but definitely worth the time). As I was listening to it and pondering the truths and the beauty in the lyrics, I followed up on the beginning of a thought out loud ("Why is it so hard to believe what we believe?") by wondering, again aloud to Chris, "How can I believe all this and be afraid to take some medicine? I mean really, it's absurd. Really absurd." How can I believe everything I believe and feel afraid of anything, let alone silly little things like medicine, which is, I might add, in preparation for a MISSION trip? I don't have an answer, other than the fact that it just points me back to my utter dependence on the grace, forgiveness, and compassion of our loving Father. Again and again, I pray, "Oh, for grace to trust Him more."

Here are the lyrics to "Worlds Apart." Read. Think. Bask. Enjoy.

"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

1 comments:

Laura said...

Hey, I took ToK too!