Tuesday, June 14, 2011

well hello!

Hello, friends, it has been a while! Life got super crazy with the end of the school year, and now I have no excuse except that I guess I've just gotten out of the habit of writing. I completed my fifth and final (at least for a while) year of teaching and am preparing to become a mama.

After the way everything began, I am especially thankful for the miracle of our daughter's life and growth these many months later. When we didn't know what was happening at the beginning of this precious new life, I came to that place in a crisis of panic when I had to remember that we are not in control, even when we think we are, and that God is lovingly sovereign, even when we do not understand what is happening. Such peace always follows surrender to our heavenly Father when I remember and confess that He is in control and pray that His will, not mine, be done.

As a recovering worrier, being pregnant has given me the opportunity (or created the necessity, depending on how you want to look at it) to practice the lesson that God has taught me over and over again about relinquishing control to Him and trusting in His good and perfect plan for my life. I am filled with joy not just in anticipation of our baby's birth, but also in the process of being connected with her even now as she grows and kicks and moves, demanding the attention which I am more than happy to give. However, too often, my joy is tainted by anxiety over various little aches and pains and oddities that come with pregnancy (who knew so many strange things could happen to your body all because of pregnancy??).

I am grateful for the perfect timing of the Beth Moore Bible study (Inheritance) I started with some girls from church a few weeks ago. In one of the lessons, she reminded us that people, even our children, do not belong to us and that we ought not try to possess them. The confession that came from my own mouth, that this baby does not belong to us but to God, has been so important to repeat over and over. I have to keep reminding myself that He created her, He protected her when we thought something was terribly wrong, He saw fit to form and develop her within me, He has a perfect plan for her, He is glorified in His creation of her, and He loves her even more than we do.

I think the reason it is so hard for someone like me to be comforted by reason is that it is reasonable to acknowledge that bad things can and do happen, however likely or unlikely they may be. However, I must learn, over and over again, not to look for comfort in circumstances or people or in what I can see. The only true, lasting comfort which cannot be shaken is the peace I find in resting in the knowledge of the Lord's loving sovereignty. He is in control, and He is good.

I will conclude with my current memory verse:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
-Isaiah 41:10, NIV

2 comments:

Kristin said...

I cannot tell you how much you amaze me. You just being you amazes me. But, even more than that, the HUGE blessing you are in my life truly amazes me. Even from such a great distance and after all these years. If I didn't know better, I'd say you often write posts just for me to read them. I believe that's God too. Love you.

Lindsay O'Connor said...

What a blessing you are to me too! Sometimes I feel like I'm just flinging stuff out there awkwardly, so what a blessing to have confirmation that God can take my awkward attempts and do something good. Thanks so much for the encouragement!! Love to you