Thursday, October 11, 2012

healing

I don't know how I'm going to write this post. I only know that I feel like I ought to, whether it's for someone else or for my own edification.

I'm three weeks in to Beth Moore's study on Revelation, which I'm really glad to be doing for lots of reasons, but partly because I've always felt like I don't quite know what to do with the book of Revelation. I used to feel a little afraid to read it and approached it with a bit of fear and trembling, and I guess I still do. Thus far, I am realizing that it is first and foremost the Revelation of Jesus Christ (duh, Lindsay...), and not just some scary wild ride of which I can't make heads or tails. I had never really thought about the title meaning that this book is God revealing Jesus to us. What a relief and a blessing, at that.

In last week's video, Beth Moore discussed the church of Ephesus (Rev. 2:1-7) and Christ's commendation (for their labor, patience, perseverance, and inability to bear those who are evil), as well as His chastisement, that they had forsaken their first love. In general, I can see my own natural tendencies in these words. If I am understanding it correctly, I think I am like the Ephesians because while I find truth and sincerity of the utmost importance and focus on not being led astray by anything that goes against the truth, I think that this can get extreme and cause me to be overly cynical and skeptical. I know that I have this tendency and that it can lead to a heart that focuses too much on criticism and not enough on the love of Christ.

More specifically, I can see my recent spiritual struggles in these words. On one hand, I have clung tightly to the Lord and His truth in order to make it through a season that was extremely difficult emotionally and spiritually, and on the other hand, bits of hurt and bitterness have crept in to my heart and kept me a little at a distance from the Lord, causing me to feel like I have in some ways forsaken my first love. Experiencing the intimacy of clinging to Him for survival but feeling abandoned at the same time is a really strange paradox that I'm still trying to puzzle through. I know the Word of the Lord is still true and I know that He loves me just as He always has, but I feel kind of the way a spouse might feel in her marriage when some of the romance has worn off with the passing of the "honeymoon" season. It's not a bad place to be, but it requires some re-evaluation in order to get your feet back under you and to remember why you fell in love in the first place. I still go to church and Bible study, I'm still reading and studying His word, I still pray and I still worship, but I feel that things are just a bit off. I pray that the Lord will keep dealing with me in this new place I find myself, just has He has in every other new place and situation I have experienced.

I'm still trying to get to the root of the cause of all of this, but I don't think that doing so is necessarily where I will find my healing and restoration. I have had the sense lately that while I am no longer in the desperation of survival mode, I still need healing. Yesterday, I had some praise and worship music playing and found it particularly refreshing. I felt like the Lord showed me that my healing will come in worship. I'm not sure what else to say about it, other than that I am relieved to see the Lord quietly, gently, but surely working in me, giving me hope that after everything, He will cause all things to work together for His good and will bring healing. It seems He will even show me how to get the healing I've been seeking. I pray for His forgiveness for my impatience and for the ways I have forsaken my first love, and I eagerly look forward to seeing how He will accomplish this and every other good work in me.

With all of that said, let's go worship.

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