Wednesday, September 24, 2014

earthen vessel

I am in the midst of reading a book called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning and cannot say enough about how much I am enjoying and learning from it. I have to take my time with it, sometimes reading sentences or paragraphs two or three times to digest the ideas discussed, but I still find it inviting and easy to relate to.

In the chapter I read today, the author quotes a thologian named Edward Schillebeeckx (what?? that's a name?): "...silence with God has a value in itself and for its own sake, just because God is God."

I've been struggling with some anxiety lately and have been trying to be more in tune with God, hoping that doing so would bring me peace, but as I said, it has been a struggle. The quote above got me thinking about how I approach my time alone with God, whether I'm listening to a podcast, reading the Bible, praying, or reading and meditating on a short devotional and some scriptures from Jesus Calling. Despite my efforts, I have had difficulty feeling His presence lately. Perhaps even in my "being still" with God, I am too focused on what I think or hope the outcome of time spent with Him will be instead of just valuing time spent with God as just that--time spent with my Creator, Abba, Redeemer, the Most High. I have been thinking a lot about my need to perform not just as an attempt to impress others but even to convince myself that I am valuable. Maybe if I stopped focusing on what needs to happen during my time with God, I could surrender to Him more fully and allow Him to do His thing, whatever that might be, instead of waiting impatiently for Him to do my thing, the thing that I have decided needs to be done so that I can perform better and somehow be more worthy of His love.

Today after reading a devotional and meditating on a scripture, I spent a very few moments being still and waiting before the Lord. I made myself refrain from trying to push or pull this time in any certain direction and tried to let myself get comfortable just being quiet before the Lord with no expectations of what would happen, no attempts to discern what He might be trying to tell me or what I needed to do differently. After doing so, I have little to report, other than that for at least a brief moment today, I was quiet in the presence of the Most High God. And for this earthen vessel, that is surely enough.

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