Friday, April 17, 2020

Quarantine queries, #3: Where will I belong?

As a 6 on the Enneagram , I am aware that I tend to give too much weight to authority figures and systems. A year ago, when I was praying and discerning a big decision, I pictured myself with tons of cords coming from my body, plugged into many outlets representing systems that I’ve trusted more than I trusted myself. I pictured God telling me that God was working on gradually unplugging me from these external systems until one day, all that will be left will be the two of us. 

We have a tendency to become overly attached to the gifts God gives, forgetting that our first love must be the Giver, not the gifts. I got sad news today, that the leader of our beloved faith community is being called elsewhere. I felt overwhelmed by another big change when I’ve had so, so many in the past couple of years, and right now, the whole world is changing so much. At first I kept thinking, when everything changes, where will I belong? Our pastor gave me a place to belong when I felt spiritually homeless. She made a place for me and affirmed, supported, and made a place for my calling when she really had no reason to do so. She showed me what a woman in a position of top leadership could look like in a faith community, which I needed more than I had realized. It is such a loss.

And yet, though she has been such a gift, she is remaining faithful to her calling, and I trust that God will continue the unfolding of mine. God is the one who gave me this place to land when I didn’t belong anywhere, just as God was the one to provide so many other gentle spaces for me during a big faith transition. I don’t know what the Lord is doing now, but when I look back, I can see that God was always enough. When everything around me changes, the Lord is steady, extending a hand and inviting me to take hold as I fix my eyes on God’s and try to “bear the beams of love.”

Instead of deliverance from trials great and small, I now pray for God to give me eyes to see divine provision in the midst of them, and what I now see is that God has always been enough. When everything changes, I belong to the Holy One, who affirms my fixed place as the apple of God’s eye and always makes provision for me, usually in a way I never would have known to ask for. Instead of asking God whether I will be taken care of, I can watch in anticipation to see HOW I will be taken care of. The ways we are held in different seasons are far more creative than anything I could dream up, and God rarely provides the same way twice. In the midst of change, the one thing that has remained and will remain the same is that God is always enough. As our pastor says, “So may it ever be.”




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